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How To Be a Creepy Lurker 101

July 18, 2007

Welcome to Creepy Lurker class!

This post is officially dedicated to Adam Gobin and Jessica Jaret (pronounced Jah-ret, with the emphasis on the first syllable and with a thick Northern accent):

First off, let me define exactly what a “creepy lurker” is. A creepy lurker is any person who makes the people around him — and it’s usually a him, let’s be honest — feel the way Adam and Jessica feel in this picture. Basically, you are “that guy.”

A lurker is that guy in the corner of all of your pictures who, even though you’ve never met him before, tries to act like he does. He’s usually looking straight at the camera and making a gang sign. Or winking. Or licking his lips. Or leering seductively. He could even just be walking by the group at the time and be staring awkwardly into the lens. You know who I’m talking about. Check your Facebook pictures for him. He’s there. I’ll guarantee it.

A creepy lurker could also be someone who eavesdrops on other people’s conversations and chimes in at opportune, awkward moments. Or you could compulsively poke people on Facebook, even if you’re not even friends. Or you could be a feral cat that sits outside and waits for Jessica Jaret to walk by. Or you could have just said a semi-creepy comment at an inopportune moment. You don’t even have to be an animate object. Like you could be the creepy car lurking behind Milly at Bennie’s Red Barn in St. Simons last weekend.

And I know you’re probably thinking, “Oh no! I’ve been in other people’s pictures…I’ve thrown up gang signs…I’ve made creepy, awkward comments. Eric, harbinger of all that is true and right in this world, am I a creepy lurker?!” The answer unfortunately, is an emphatic YES. But, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings — I’ve never been, but they sound interesting I guess…not really the place I want to be though — admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. And yes, saying creepy lurker comments is addictive. I know, I was once an unabashed addict. But I am now a recovering addict, which means I just have a good excuse when I make a lurker comment.

If this post describes you, though, there is hope! Not this HOPE and not this Hope, but this hope. Which means that you, too, can become a recovering creepy lurker addict. All you need is a little willpower, self-control, luck, and chicken noodle soup. Well…maybe not the soup, but it couldn’t hurt. Unless you’re vegetarian or allergic or something. That would be no fun.

But I digress…

My last comment is a disclaimer: Don’t be offended if someone calls you a creepy lurker. There are rare occasions when it is actually used as a term of endearment. In all other cases — 99% of the time, I suspect — it is used simply as a warning of sorts. A polite “You are weirding me out and it’s not cute.” So if you hear that comment applied to you, don’t be offended, just know that you are just like everyone else. Because everyone has their creepy lurker moments. I know I do. So if you ever “feel me creeping and you see me from your shadow” — as Akon so eloquently said — look behind and say hello. Call me a creeper. I’m right behind…

Until next time…

One Comment leave one →
  1. Adam Gobin permalink
    July 18, 2007 8:37 pm

    Hahahaha!!! Eric, this is epic!!! You have accurately described the art of being a “lurker” and i am proud of you! This epic blog piece should be in wikipedia or something! I especially like the Akon reference from “smack that.” This song by the way, reminds me of cockroaches cuz it creeps from the shadows…

    Much tropical love, Adam

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